Narcissist tricks of their trade — you are being manipulated
Reactive Abuse: How the Narcissist controls you through emotional abuse.
Introduction
Have you ever defended yourself, only to be told that you’re being overly sensitive? Perhaps felt completely blindsided when a friend or partner suddenly reacted in a way that seemed out of character? As the situation unfolded, you were left feeling confused and unsure, struggling to make sense of what had just happened. An aggressive emotional meltdown occurred over the wrong coffee cup.
A narcissist may have deliberately targeted you, recognizing qualities they could manipulate or exploit. After provoking a reaction from you, they might twist the situation, claiming it was your fault they acted the way they did, adding further insult to injury. Or they may gaslight you, accusing you of saying something that made them act the way they did. (But you know you had not! Least you think you had not?) The journey of narcissistic abuse leading to codependency has started.
The Beginning
Toxic individuals often push others to their limits through relentless emotional, psychological, and verbal abuse. Their aim to provoke a reaction, which they then use as ‘evidence’ against you, to portray you as unstable or ‘unhinged’. This reaction conveniently supports a smear campaign they have been orchestrating about you for months. Often without your awareness. It’s a calculated tactic designed to manipulate perceptions and maintain control.
Smear campaigns can be based on anything negative about you. But the narcissist will always be the victim, with you being the perpetrator.
Example:
They will tell others you have a temper; you are emotionally unstable or prone to lying, manipulative behaviour. You are ungrateful, constantly behaving violently, with excessive outbursts if you do not get your way. The groundwork for this tactic will be used during later stages of the relationship, when they wind you up all day for you to eventually blow a gas git in public. ( See, I told you she was a nutter)
At the start of the relationship, boyfriends/girlfriends (the love bombing stage) was terrific in every way. Your soul mate, best friend, match made in heaven. Unbeknown to you, they were going around telling your group of friends that you are unhinged, then coming home to you and making sweet love and memories.
They’ll criticize your appearance, even when you feel confident and fantastic, just as you’re about to leave for a dinner date with friends. The evening is ruined before it begins, leaving you crushed, having gone to so much trouble to look nice for him. Later at home, they defend themselves, suggesting that it was your friends that had previously made negative comments about your weight. The criticism was meant to support you, because they love you and so you didn’t look foolish.
This manipulation leaves you feeling emotional, paranoid, and defensive around those friends, resenting them for this betrayal. You start to believe the lies, acting in ways that unintentionally validate the false slur he/she has made about you. This manipulative smearing of a false character is often a projection of how they are, what they have been doing behind your back. It is deliberate, calculated, and sadistic. They’ve been saying you have a weight problem, they are concerned about your mental health. Later, it is blamed on the very people that they had been talking to.
Reactive Abuse.
Reactive abuse can include subtle tactics like “innocently” asking personal or triggering questions, or speaking condescendingly within a group. It is often delivered in a way that makes the perpetrator look as though they are just having fun. Passive aggressive comments. You eventually kick off. They pretend in front of the witnesses they didn’t mean to upset you. They hadn’t realized you were so fragile or sensitive. ( You weren’t and aren’t)
It could be delivered in a way that only you can hear — also often in the presence of others. They are sat beside you, and mumble passive-aggressive or condescending comments. After enduring hours of this underhanded behaviour, you may lose your patience and react aggressively. You look like the nutter.
At that moment, you appear to overreact, reinforcing the narrative they’ve carefully crafted through their smear campaign, and during this moment. (Dinner parties, family meals, work environments, pub gatherings) It’s a calculated move designed to make you look like the problem while they maintain their facade of innocence. You need locking up, you are apparently unstable, maybe you need a head doctor? The slating gossip continues after you finally leave the room.
Quotes to help you!
- Contradicting everything you say, then acting shocked when you get frustrated.
- Berating you in front of others, you get upset, you are far too sensitive, you embarrassed yourself and making your friends uncomfortable.
- Saying something unkind or derogatory in the privacy of your home, followed with, “I’m only joking” God, you are so sensitive!
- Offering to lend you money, then in public ask for it back. You later find out he told everyone in that public circle that you are constantly scrounging from him.
- Phone you, then cut the call short, saying they will call you straight back. They don’t call you back, leaving you hanging and confused. You then don’t hear from them for days/weeks and can’t reach them if you try. They love this game, they enjoy you chasing them. It gives them power and control over you. Ego goes through the roof.
- Shaming or mocking you when you cry, rage, or slam a door in response to the abuse (you just fell into the trap!) He is smiling at you, shouting how you always do this, and you need a shrink. You cannot reason with them, this is gaslighting.
- Constantly cutting you off when you are talking to them, talking over you, or turning away from you, while you are speaking to them, as if you are boring them. This is to make you feel unimportant, leave you feeling confused and lacking confidence. (Like, Am I boring?) They will use this weeks later, when they state how all your friends find you boring. So shut up! These plans can be built over months of passive aggression and smearing.
Their Motive
The primary motive behind their actions is to gain narcissistic supply — a sense of power and validation. Control often plays a significant role as well. They thrive on your reactions to their provocations, especially if those reactions are dramatic or witnessed by others. The more they can manipulate your emotions, mood, or behaviour, the stronger their sense of control becomes. They always position themselves as the victim, presenting concern for your well-being to friends and others, further solidifying their manipulative narrative. (They are so worried about you, your behaviour was unfounded. I did so much for her, and she goes and does this) By the end of the week your name will be tarnished.
They are fully aware of their actions and the harm they cause. The effort they put into manipulation stems from a desire for power, control, and ego gratification. For some, it’s about feeding a sadistic need for dominance or fulfilling deep-seated insecurities. Whether it’s a lack of love in their past or an insatiable hunger for validation, their behaviour is calculated and intentional, designed to maintain control over others. These people have absolutely no empathy, no conscience, and can often be sociopaths, which some mistake as Malignant Narcissists. Do not be fooled, they are deriving pleasure from your pain.
Narcissists thrive on control, especially over your emotions and reactions. The ability to provoke you at will give them a sense of superiority and satisfaction. To counter this, practicing stoicism can be a powerful tool — remaining calm, composed, and unreactive denies them the response they seek. Let their words and actions pass without acknowledgment, and channel your frustration in private, like punching a pillow at home. This approach helps you reclaim your power and maintain your emotional balance.
If they are telling you not to do or say something; such as, “don’t go telling people any of this”. “I know what your game is”!
They are projecting onto you what they are actually doing behind your back. They are manipulating you so you don’t get a word of defence in, by having your say. In the meantime, they are telling people all sorts about you. This often happens at work.
You want to prove your loyalty, and how wrong they are about you. In the meantime, having manipulated you into not telling a soul, they are doing precisely that. They are going around telling anyone that will listen what you are doing to them, how they are the victim. How horrible you really are. This method is often used when they feel you pulling away. They want to leave you with no friends to turn to. You will be isolated in your own social circle and won't even know why???
Narcissists only know drama and abuse. Narcissists like a game. If they can’t get a rise out of you at first, they’re going to try different tactics. I hope this short blog has helped, please check me out on
— Thank you for reading
Sybella L. Loram FdA
